urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:clairemcf clairemcf clairemcf 2007-01-02T15:23:16Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:clairemcf:1186 2007-01-02T15:23:16Z 2007-01-02T15:23:16Z i just ate some soup my hunger got the better of me 81 cals im feeling a little better today. i hate my self right now i cant concntrate on any thing all i can think about is food its driving me insane i want to be able to write this essay with out any other thoughts crossing my mind! thants it i have told the world what i have eaten so now i should feel more guilty and not want to think about the pinapple that is in the fridge! x urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:clairemcf:966 2007-01-01T19:47:20Z 2007-01-01T19:47:20Z today has been a night mare i woke up with a severe hang over because i drank last night CALORIES but i had a good time at a friends party but was feeling so ill i decided to have a piece of toast which i havent had for about 3 years!!! i felt so bad because i had let my self down!!! im an idiot!!! i then had to have dinner with my parents luckily i got away with just the salad but i cant bare it i look at phbotos from last night and i just look ridiculously fat obease i hate my self right now i have never felt this low not in all the time that ib have had an ed. its been on and off for three years!!! im at my fatest that i have ever been and this time is so much harder to commit to i dont know why its driving me to severe depression!!!! i want to just hide away for weeks and not eat a thing!!! my mum is constantly banging on at me about how fat i have got. This helps but it makes me feel even more depressed! i want my life to end but then i think that i dont want to die fat i would prefer to be skinny!!! honestly i just cant bare my state of mind at the moment! any way i cant get back on task with the fast tomorrow as i am out all day and have told my parents that i will not be here for dinner! even though its uni that has lead me to my out of control body shape i cant wait to return because at least then i will be alone! i am going to have a carton of fruit juice a day and thats it!! if i feel faint or dizzy i will have some diet coke! 6 days and i will be there! x urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:clairemcf:541 2006-12-30T21:49:44Z 2006-12-30T21:49:44Z Today i have joined this community to help motivate my fasting and dieting and avoiding food!!! i cant bare it christmas was so sad there was so much it was un bearable!! i dont want to publish my weight becasue i am so ashamed!! today i started fasting and i will continue till next saturday i aim to achieve this!!! all i need is a bit of motivation from you guys i will help you all too!!! this is a return to ana last time i did it on my own but my thoughts changed and have found it hard to become as determined as i was! i hate my self right now all i want is to be thin! x